


I'm Not Your Sister

by manicpixiedreamboy



Category: Tegan and Sara (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Self-Harm, Trans Character, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-10
Updated: 2015-11-26
Packaged: 2018-04-30 17:53:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5173562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/manicpixiedreamboy/pseuds/manicpixiedreamboy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He couldn't bring himself to tell her yet. He told her everything; she was his twin, after all. But he couldn't tell her this. He wasn't prepared for her to find out on her own.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. And so, she waited

**Author's Note:**

> I am just a silly trans boy who doesn't know how to write but insists on doing it anyway. I am also a sucker for Tegan and Sara high school AUs.
> 
> I know these are real people so disclaimer: this is 100% fiction, and I mean no offense. I'm a trans guy, and I like to imagine people I admire having experiences similar to my own. I do not mean to imply in any way that Tegan is actually trans or "should be" trans or anything like that.
> 
> Warning for self harm, but nothing too graphic.

The first thing Sara noticed were the cuts on her arms. Tegan may have thought she was hiding it, but Sara knew. She saw flashes of them when Tegan's shirt sleeve would slide up, when she would roll of the arms of her sweatshirt, forgetting she had something to hide, before hurriedly rolling them back down, hoping no one had noticed. But of course Sara noticed. Tegan was her twin sister. She knew her better than anyone. She had to notice.

She didn't know how to bring it up, and she doubted Tegan would be willing to talk about it anyway, so she kept quiet. It terrified her to think of what could happen if she didn't speak up, but she didn't know what to do, so she didn't do anything. She just waited.

She waited while they made small talk at the breakfast table, discussing Tegan's upcoming math test, Sara's essay on the symbolism in Beowulf ("I enjoyed the book," she noted. "I don't understand why others don't." Tegan just grimaced). She waited while they sat on the bus next to each other, Tegan doodling on her notepad, and Sara listening to music in her headphones, hoping to drown out the endless chatter of other students.

For days, she said nothing, going through the motions of her daily routine, pretending everything was normal. Small talk at breakfast, small talk at lunch, small talk at dinner. Nothing of substance. She didn't know what else to say. She thought that if she tried to say anything meaningful at all, it would all come out. Suddenly it would be "Why are you cutting yourself? Why didn't you tell me?", and Tegan would retreat behind the same wall she always put up when you pushed her too far. So instead it was "How did your math test go?", "Do you have weekend plans?", "Aren't you glad it's not raining anymore?" Discussing nothing more than the weather with her sister, who she was supposed to be closer too than anyone else, felt pathetic. But what else could she do?

And so, she waited. Until she walked into their room to find Tegan with ace bandages on her chest and blood on her wrists, and she knew she couldn't wait anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! This is the first full thing I'm writing, so I'm definitely open to criticism (and, of course, always a big fan of compliments :P).
> 
> The title is possibly just a placeholder. I'm never good at naming things before they're done.


	2. Say something

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't bind with ace bandages. It's not at all safe. It's unfortunately common with people who are uninformed or have no other options, but this story is in absolutely no way meant to imply that binding with ace bandages is okay.
> 
> Again, warning for self harm but still nothing graphic.

The bandages could break his ribs and the cutting could kill him, but it was all he had. How else could he cope with the endless feeling of _wrongness_ that accompanied living in the body that he had? What else could he do with this body other than change it and hurt it until it didn't feel so wrong?

He couldn't bring himself to tell Sara. He didn't want her to know how much he was hurting, and he didn't know what he could possibly say to her anyway. "Hi Sara, so you know how you've had an identical twin sister forever, and you're closer to her than anyone else, and you know everything about her? Well, she's not real, and I'm actually your brother, and for years I've been lying about who I am and keeping this major secret that will completely change how you think about me." He didn't think that would go over particularly well.

The day Sara walked in on him, she was supposed to be at book club. On Tuesdays, she went to book club for an hour after school, and he could bind for a full hour in his room without anyone finding out. Usually he would only get a few minutes to bind each day, stolen minutes where he would hide in the bathroom and wrap the bandages around his chest and finally feel a tiny bit more comfortable in his body, even if it hurt. Those moments were enough to keep him alive, but they weren't enough to make him okay.

He had been so distracted, so excited to finally pull on a shirt and look down and see a flat chest, that he hadn't heard her footsteps coming down the hall. He hadn't heard her open the door and step in. He only heard her soft voice say his name. "Tegan." He looked up to see her staring at him, tears that she was clearly trying to fight welling in her eyes.

His stomach felt like it had dropped out of his body entirely. _She's not supposed to be here, she's not supposed to be here,_ ran through his head in an endless loop.

_Say something, say something, you need to say something._

"Hi," he said quietly.

_Hi? That's all you could say? Your sister is nearly in tears and all you can say is hi?_

He could see her trying to process everything while she started at him. Still, when she finally spoke, it was decisive and calm.

"I'm going to get a washcloth and some bandaids, and we're going to get you cleaned up," she said. "Take off the bandages before you hurt yourself."

With that, she left the room. Tegan stood motionless, his head spinning, trying to figure out what he was supposed to say when she got back.

It felt like hours before she returned. She sat him on the bed, gently wiped the blood off his arms, and put bandaids over his cuts. She didn't push him to explain anything. He was pretty sure he wouldn't have been able to speak even if she'd asked.

"You need to take off the bandages," she reminded him. "I'll step outside for a minute, okay?"

"Okay."

As promised, she waited in the hall while Tegan unwrapped the ace bandages and hurriedly yanked an oversized sweatshirt over his head. He couldn't stand to see his chest without it.

"You can come back," Tegan said quietly, wishing she wouldn't hear, wishing she wouldn't return. He didn't want to explain. What if she was mad? What if she hated him? He'd been lying to her about who he was. How could she forgive him?

She did hear, and she came and sat next to him on his bed. There was a long silence.

 _Just say something,_ he berated himself. _Anything._

It was Sara who spoke first. "Remember how we used to call each other 'brother' when we were kids?"

Tegan smiled at the memory. "I'm pretty sure we both thought we were boys back then."

"It's okay if you turned out to be right," Sara said. "You don't have to tell me anything if you don't want to, but I love you whether you're my sister or my brother or anything else."

Tegan couldn't bring himself to say anything beyond "thank you." They sat in silence for a few minutes before Sara got up, leaving him alone in their room.

  
  


That night, lying in bed with his phone hidden under the covers, Tegan sent Sara a text: **_You're right._**

_**I'm not your sister; I'm your brother.** _

_**Please don't tell mom.** _

He heard her whispered reply from across the room. "I won't tell." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, let me know what you think. Comments, compliments, criticisms, whatever. I'm having fun so I'll probably keep writing regardless, but I always appreciate feedback.


	3. Come together, twins forever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was pretty slow writing this one. Life has been hectic, and I have too many exams. But it's done now!
> 
> Happy Thanksgiving to those of you who are celebrating Thanksgiving!

"I'm buying you a binder. What size do you need?"

Tegan had tried to object, but Sara wouldn't budge. She was insistent on using the bit of money she had saved from tutoring to buy him a binder, despite his insistence that she shouldn't. "You're going to break your ribs," she had said. "I can't let you do that. You need those."

It was true. He did need his ribs. He'd heard all the horror stories about people who didn't bind right and then couldn't get top surgery. It hurt just to think about the possibility of never being able to get top surgery, the idea of never feeling comfortable in his body. He wasn't sure he'd survive. So he reluctantly let her buy the binder ("Are you _sure?_ This is all your tutoring money." But yes, she was sure.) and waited for it to arrive.

Shipping took two weeks and one day (he counted), but it felt like forever. The promise of being able to finally feel better made dealing with the present that much harder. His dysphoria felt like it would crush him. Some days he could hardly leave the house. Other days he could hardly leave his bed. His mother grew concerned, and he fed her excuses. "I just didn't sleep well last night." "I think I might have a fever." He couldn't possibly tell her the truth. _Don't worry, Mom. It's not a big deal. I just feel trapped and suffocated and want to die._

Finally, it arrived. The day had been pretty normal. A math quiz that had almost certainly gone poorly, a never ending discussion in English about a book he hadn't read, detention after he snapped at his history teacher because she called him out for not paying attention and called him "young lady". He stared out the window on the bus ride home after detention, hoping against hope that today would be the day his binder arrived, that when he got home there would be a package on the doorstep.

When he did get home there was no package, and he wanted to cry. He felt like he couldn't stand to wait another day. He trudged inside, ready to give in and grab his ace bandages or his blades (even though he'd been trying not to use either ever since Sara caught him), not even looking up as he mumbled a greeting to his sister who was reading in the living room.

"Tegan," she said. He paused. "You might wanna take your eyes off the ground long enough to grab your binder off the coffee table."

His head jerked up, and his eyes widened when he saw the package. He grabbed it off the table and sprinted with it to their bedroom, yelling "thank you!" down the hallway at his sister who was still sitting on the couch with her book, laughing at his excitement.

He yanked his shirt off and struggled to pull the binder over his head, finally managing to get it on after minutes of wiggling around foolishly. He pulled his shirt back on and went to look in the mirror.

He didn't remember the last time he'd felt this happy. Finally there was a boy looking back at him in the mirror. Sure, the boy had a face that was too feminine, hips that were too wide, but he was a _boy_. He had short hair like the other boys (it had taken quite a bit of convincing to get his mother to agree, and he had ultimately had to tell her that it was what "all the other lesbians were doing", but at least it worked) and now, _finally_ , he had a flat chest. He ran back to the living room to show Sara.

"Look, Sara, look!" He shouted, nearly bouncing up and down with excitement. "Look how well it works."

Seeing how excited he was, she grinned. "You look great, Tegan," she told him. "You look happy."

"I'm going to wear it everywhere!" He announced, running back to their room to look in the mirror again.

As promised, he wore it to school the next day, leaving the house happier, more confident, and more comfortable than he had in years. If anyone noticed, nobody said anything, excluding one minor incident ("Tegan," Emy had said, pulling him aside in the hall, her face concerned. "What happened to your boobs?" He laughed at the absurdity of her worry and explained it away easily. "I'm wearing a tighter sports bra. They get in the way when you try to wear button downs."), but they did notice that he was happier. "I'm glad you're having a nice day, Tegan," Stacey had told him. "I noticed you'd seemed a bit down. It's nice to see you smiling." He had actually read what he was supposed to for English class, he didn't yell at his history teacher and get detention. His body felt a little bit more right. Of course he was smiling.

It seemed like he was finally feeling better. But of course it didn't last. The dysphoria came back. Fixing one problem didn't solve the rest. He was still dysphoric. He was still depressed. But it was better. He was still more confident, smiled more. His body didn't feel quite as wrong. His sister knew his secret, so he had someone to talk to. Nothing was perfect, but at least some things were okay.

Whispered conversations at night, lying in their beds across the room from either other, lights off, had become a routine. Tonight, Sara spoke first. "It was worth every penny, you know that?"

"What?"

"The binder. It was worth every penny. I can see how much happier you are."

He smiled, even though she couldn't see it. "Thank you, Sara. You have no idea how much this has helped me." It was true. He knew she couldn't even begin to imagine the relief it had brought.

"Well, you're my brother and I figured I'm stuck with you so I may as well make sure you're happy."

"You're such a sweet sister," he said, only half joking. "Sara, let's be twins _forever_."

"Oh, shut up and go to sleep, Tegan," she replied, but he could tell she was smiling. He was smiling too. Despite all the jokes and despite the fights, he was lucky to have her. Transition would be hard. Coming out would be hard. But Sara wasn't going anywhere. She was stuck with him. No matter what happened, she'd still be his sister. He was terrified of the steps he'd have to take, of the people he might lose. But at least he wouldn't have to do it alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! I'm starting to hit the wall that comes with trying to write a multiple chapter fic when you have no writing experience other than some neopets stories you wrote in elementary school and 14 years of education's worth of analytical essays, so I am very much open to criticisms and suggestions of what I could be doing better. Also praise. Everyone loves praise :P


End file.
